tears

Yesterday, when I got off work I came home and made a few calls. My boy Tony just had a son. His name is Joshua that is pretty fresh name I still think he should have been a TonyJ4 but oh well. I had a stressful day so I tried to just relax on the couch. I made a few calls and thought about my job and how I feel I could be doing better. I was watching TV when I got a text message. CN my son’s mother sent me a text that said they were in an accident. I didn’t get past that part of the text, I was afraid to read past there. Crazy thing I was just thinking that I loved the Jetta commercials where the car gets into real accidents and no more than 5 mins before I got the text I saw one of those commercials. My favorite one is with the two dudes talking about how one of them always says ‘like’ every time he is explaining something. Sorry I get off topic from time to time.
I read the text and I called her back immediately, she was upset she says that a policeman ran into the back of her while she was stopped in traffic. She talked about how bad the back of her car was damaged and she could not close the back door. She also said how she was glad that Breezy Jr. (BJ) was not hurt. He said that his head was hurting and that he was scared. I talked to her for a while she said that BJ was okay but she was worried about him because he is so small. While I was talking to her he came into the room and took the phone from his mother while her father was talking to her. I asked him if he was okay and he said no. If you don’t have a child then you cant imagine what that sounds like to hear the most important person in your life the very reason you try to be about something tells you no he is not alright. He said that his head was hurting and he was scared. Then he said da da I love you and I want you to come home because I miss you. We talked a little bit more but at this point I am so choked up that I can hardly get words out of my mouth. Tears are falling down my face and my chest was burning so bad. His mother took the phone 1 second before I lost it totally. I talked to his mother again and she said that she is going to make him some food and if his head keeps hurting she is going to take him to the Dr.
I asked CN why she didn’t go from the accident she told me that when the ambulance arrived at the scene before the police did. She was afraid to leave because she was in an accident with a cop. She didn’t want to be at the mercy of what he was going to tell his coworkers. So the ambulance left while she was talking to the police giving an accident report. She talked about how thankful she was that she was not hit in the side because he rides next to the door. Our son would have been really hurt or worse. I told her that I can’t tell her what to do but I think that she needs to go to the Dr. She has had problems with her back in the past and if something develops down the line you should go now so that if there is anything new they can document it. She said she was going to think about it because she just got a promotion and she doesn’t want to look like she will be taking all these days off. You see if you go to the emergency room even before 10pm you are there easily pat 1oclock. I told her I understood as I said it my voice cracked because my son’s mom is afraid to take off a day of work because she was in a car wreck…..That to me is some bullshit that you have to black to even fucking understand.
When the phone conversation ended I dropped to the floor and cried. I cried for so long that I lost the ability to breath. I prayed to God to please watch and take care of my child and his mother. I thanked Jesus for his grace and not letting anything terrible happen to them but all I could do was cry. I remember that I said to God that I am nothing and I have nothing to offer you. But please don’t hurt my son. After I was able to collect myself I called my girl. I told her what happened and she (budding lawyer) told me that I should tell CN to go to the Dr’s office now. Just because of her back and the pain in BJ’s head. I called CN and told her to drive to the Dr’s office s she said she was afraid to do so because her car was dripping some sort of fluid and she didn’t know what it was. I got off the phone and called DP. I never really talk about DP on here because he is well….… the best dude I know. He is married and has three kids, he is saved and a man of God but he looks like Allen Iverson’s younger brother-no tats but you get the picture. I explained to him what happened and he heard everything that was going on with me and told me don’t worry about it he was on his way over there. He asked for CN’s number and he said he will keep me updated on everything that was going on. After a few mins I got off the phone with DP I had to collect my self again. I remember begging God to not let all the stuff I am trying to accomplish, to not let it be in vain because I am not mentally or emotionally strong enough to take it. I am doing all this for BJ so he can have a better life.
I called her back and she said that DP was on his way out there and she was going to let me know what is going on. That was about 10:30a.m. and she sent me another text at 1:55 saying that they were ok as far as the emergency room workers can see. She is going to monitor BJ for the next few days and drop her car off at the auto shop to get repairs started. I wish I new what I was suppose to do. It took me almost three years to come here and get on my feet. I have lost everything 3 times over and I don’t think I can go back and actually start over again. I am here for the opportunity to give my son a better life. There is no manual for this shit man, you make it up as you go and you hope that you are doing the best thing for your family and your God but you never really know. But right now for the 100th time I sit and ask myself am I doing the right thing? But all I can hear is my son saying daddy come home I miss you. Fuck, can someone help me? God please someone help me…………………

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