HIRING & FIRING MUTAHFUCKAS!!! by Toni H.

I went to School at Jackson State University. I saw the girl play Rice University last night in The NIT. The girls didn't win but they really played well. I am very proud of them they were playing a school that is suppose to be in a "better" conference and they ran with them. So bless your hearts babies and yall uniforms are the illest shit. Let a player know where he can get some of those shorts. Anyway my Girl ToniH went to Jackson State with me and she is a HR manager in LA. Well she wanted to submit a post, I read it and laughed my ass off, I hope you enjoy it. Also if anyone else wants to send in something I am more than happy to post it fell free to vent. Well enjoy;

As a Human Resources Manager, part of my job is hiring and firing muthafuckas. No matter who you hire…the proof is in the performance.

Under no circumstances am I a micro-manager. I don’t baby-sit mutherfuckas! If your ass is grown, you should be responsible enough to do your damn job without me looking over your shoulder and double-checking your work. I take pride in the fact that I’m cool with every member of my staff. I always have an open door and listening ear for them. They can talk to me about anything and I always do everything within my power to help a muthafucka that has my back. Loyalty is major for me!

Unfortunately for me, there are some grown ass children in the workplace. One example is my last Administrative Assistant. Let’s call her Nikki. Nikki began working for my company in October 2005. I liked her from jump…the bitch was on time for her interview (most black people in L.A. aren’t. They always drop the “traffic” excuse) and she did the research my company, asked all the right questions and gave me all the right fucking answers. Needless to say, her references were impeccable and her background check was clean as a whistle so I hired the bitch.

About 3 months into it, the bullshit begins. Niggas always start fucking up after they pass probation! Nikki started coming in late and always coming up with an excuse to leave early. She started hitting me with the, “I have to pick my little sister up from school because my mom’s outta town.” Ooops, I failed to mention that Nikki is 28 years old and lives with her grandmother, mother and 8 year-old sister…a house full of lonely bitches! Obviously, that opens the door for major character flaws: lack of responsibility, accountability and no fucking integrity. Anyway, after finding out about her living situation and peeping her bullshit excuses I began to see the bitch in a different light. So, some other bullshit occurred and eventually I had to write the bitch up. I gave her a written warning for various issues: punctuality, attendance, dress code and using her muthafucking Sidekick all fucking daylong. By the way, it was my boss (owner of the fucking company that caught her on the Sidekick and told me about it). Now, I always cover my ass so she had received verbal warnings before the write up. Some people can’t take a fucking hint! So, I wrote her up and got on her about her shitty ass performance and told the bitch, in writing, that this was her last chance to get her shit together.

Needless to say…she never got her shit together. She kept coming in late, asking to leave early and playing with her Sidekick. The icing on the cake for me was her blatant exhibit of sheer fucking ignorance. When I say ignorant, I mean fucking STUPID! This bitch went to pick up a birthday caked for an employee and never noticed that the baker spelled the employee’s name wrong. The entire fucking staff is gathered in the conference room to sing Happy Birthday and Nikki brings the cake in, lit candles and all, like she’s proud of the shit…. and the damn employee’s name is misspelled. Ain’t that a bitch! Now, if you pay for and pick up a cake aren’t you going to check that shit to see if it actually what you ordered? You and I would…but not Nikki.

I will leave you with Nikki’s final fuck up. My department conducted a contest for all staff. The contest was: “Take a Guess at Oscar’s Picks”. Basically, our staff had an opportunity to guess who would win an Oscar in each category. So, Monday after the Oscars I gave the Academy Awards Winner’s List and all entry forms to Nikki to score. Simple, right? (See, I was one of those kids who’s teacher let me help her grade other people’s tests so comparing an answers to an individual’s answers comes easy to me…but not Nikki. Sometimes I forget that some people are fucking dumb!) Anyway, the concept seemed simple enough so I thought she could handle it. Monday afternoon we had our very on Oscar party. After all, this is L.A. Once again, all staff is present in our conference room and we’re waiting for our EVP/CFO (owner of the fucking company & my boss) to join us to present the prizes to the three winners. Nikki has in hand the folder containing all entry forms and the movie theater gift cards (the prizes). So, my boss comes in and Nikki gives him the names of the winners and the prizes. Now, my boss is a cool ass, rich Jewish dude and he is also extremely intelligent, sarcastic and funny as hell! Now this dude says, “Hey Nikki, let me see all the entry forms because I wanna know who guessed ‘It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp’ would win an Oscar.” We all start laughing. So, he takes a look and notices that Nikki miss scored two entry forms right off the bat. We all know Crash won Best Picture so why the fuck did Nikki give credit to people who guessed Brokeback Mountain would win? So, he gives the folder back to her dumb ass and says, “Why don’t you go re-score these and get back to me when they’re done right.” Then he looks at me and I can’t have a muthafucka making me look bad! So, I step into my office with dumb ass Nikki and re-score all the entry forms. Damn, I gave the bitch the answers. I didn’t think the task was that fucking hard so I had no reason to double check her work. A few minutes later we re-enter the conference room and I let my boss now what’s up. Nikki fucked up so bad that the original winners didn’t actually win. So, now we have gift cards with the wrong fucking names on them. I had to think quickly on my feet and printed some cute labels to adhere to the gift cards, noting the actual winners. By now, I’m so hot I could cuss this bitch out and fire her in front of everyone. It took every ounce of maturity and professionalism in my body not to go ghetto on that bitch.

Later that day I spoke to my boss about the situation and decided to fire dumb ass Nikki. Of course it was scheduled to go down Friday at 3pm. You know, the usual. Friday comes and Nikki walks into my office at 11:45am and asks if she can leave at 12:30pm. Immediately, I began to laugh and told her to have a seat. I terminated the bitch on the spot. Killer part is she was surprised and had the nerve to cry and ask to keep her job.

I love Human Resources. I get all the gossip, know everyone’s salary, throw all the parties and coordinate every event but most importantly…I get to hire and fire muthafuckas!

©2006 YoungBreezy.com

Did I ever tell you about the girl I met at my brother’s funeral, damn she has some good pussy.

Let me explain, my father was in the Air Force, he met my brother’s mom in Hawaii she was Filipino he liked her style they tied the knot and popped out my Oldest Brother Glen. I not exactly sure of the amount of time they were married but one day somebody said fuck this shit. My dad moved back to Mississippi and Glen grew up between San Francisco and Hawaii no he was not gay at least I don’t think he was. I never really got to know him but from all reports he was exactly like me with one exception they said he had a drug problem. Now I have smoked a little weed here and there (and allot of weed There and here LOL) so when someone says someone has a drug problem I got too see if it is really what he or she say it is. Well my brother died three months after my son was born. I was at work and my mom called me and told me the news. He was living in San Francisco at this time and I was in Jackson, MS. I called LP and asked if he knew someone who could get me a flight to California in two days, he said no problem. He made a call and got me a ticket for an extremely friendly rate. (Membership has its privileges) I landed at the Oakland airport and my brother’s family picked me up. Now what you have to realize is that NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE BLACK. They ran the gambit of Asian, Filipino and mixed but nothing like me, from the Black Man motherland of Mississippi. (Hey Al Sharpton I didn’t say Nigga an please believe I am going to discuss you and Aaron McGruder http://www.adultswim.com/shows/boondocks/comic/)
I went to the wake and there were allot of older people there and I was really kind of broken up. I saw a mirror reflection staring at me from a fucking coffin. It is fucked up seeing the big brother that I never really knew laying there. I felt really bad that we were not closer. I cried because I don’t look like my moms other sons, but this dude could be my fucking twin. We were there for a while and after that we went to Dot’s (his mom’s) house. She was a pretty older woman; you know she was a bad bitch in her day. She hugged me like she was seeing a ghost. It was strange to have people watch me and make comments on how much we are alike, how we moved the same and the way I stood up was just like the way he would stand. Someone asked about me dating and I said, “I love women but I keep running into a bunch of idiots.” When I said that shit all of their eyes got huge. His mom said that when I said that I sounded exactly like her son. She cried and walked out of the room. Yeah this fucking sucks, I put up my cloths and took a shower.
I slept on the couch at my brother’s mom’s crib, got dressed and went to the funeral. I shed more tears than I am comfortable admitting, but after the funeral we returned to Glen’s moms house. When we were there someone started taking pictures here are the shots http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b303070905a4 my name is Brad for those who don’t know. This is when I had facial hair so I look just like this but no mustache it was like three years ago. The FOOD WAS so fucking good At one point in time I had a woman feeding me, another rubbing my shoulders and another bringing me something to drink. Iz a country boy so like this a lot. But after a while the afternoon was starting to settle everyone down. The guys and the girls started separating and going their own way. I went with two of my brother’s relatives (you see that is very important that you understand that these were like second cousins of my brother and NO relation to me) we went to a mall, to grab some more food and just talked. Then we went to see Spiderman. We came back to Glen’s moms house and exchanged information. I asked my mom when I got home was I related to any of them. She said nope witch is the same as saying Play Ball… I contacted well wait what can I call her cuz she got one of them names that’s easy to trace…………………..Lisa that is a good name for her. We talked on the phone for a while and after a long time she and one of her girls flew out to Mississippi and spent a few days with me. It was nice I would go to work after I got home they would be cooking, walking around looking beautiful and shit. It was so player, I sent people through to make sure they were cool. I had a stick at the time and neither of them could drive a stick. One night after the club I was timid at first but I let her get some (she came so far it was the least I could do) LOL…
Well time pasted and we would keep in touch and lose touch, and I moved to Houston. Okay she called and said “Hey I’m coming to see you in Houston these California bitch ass niggas getting on my nerves” I said okay. Now what I didn’t say was I was going through one of those times that I really don’t want to have sex. I know its fucking crazy but every few years I lose my entire sexual appetite. I didn’t tell her this before she came out here. (Apparently she didn’t just come out here for my company I feel so used) She was trying to get close and I explained it to her, she called her girl and started laughing at me. (WTF) Game over its time to bone, she left with rug burns on her back (I didn’t own a bed yet LOL I love the fact that I attract really good pussy.) It was just us nobody else in the crib so she didn’t have to keep the noise down this time. Her friend was right out side last time so I had to be fucking gentle. That pussy is a fool, so yeah she got the business. We still speak from time to time. I wonder should I tell her about Nikki? Well when she reads this I’ll see if she wants to know.

©2006 YoungBreezy.com

The tears of a Child

I spend alot of time in the bookstore. I get a large number of magazines and books and sit there for hours reading catching up on the current events and popular works of literature. I read everything from XXL, Forbes, Time Magazine, 1600, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, Romeo and Juliet; I read absolutely everything that holds my attention. Sunday I was in the store and I heard a little kid crying. The kid was in the back of the store and I was more so in the front but the child was very loud. I saw the baby was so upset that he or she had to be taken out of the store. Different patrons of the store became upset because the "baby was crying to loud." But as I sat and saw the child being picked up by his or her father I wondered; at what point do we as people lose that bravery. This child was in a situation and for whatever reason felt it necessary to let everyone know that things didn’t feel right. When did we conform to the social norms so much so that we sit and allow the world around us; that is suppose to be comfortable get so agitated and dangerous.
In any other country an election took place and it was so obviously tampered with, the people of that country would have rioted. If a president had lied to his people, as many times as ours he would have been impeached. We live in a world that people of color get more scholarships for sports than they do for academics and yet we sit here and not only allow it we promote it. As a child I grew up in an area that was submerged in poverty and every older person I knew had been to jail or they were somehow involved with an illegal substance. I say that not to promote anything, but being around these people I saw that I didn’t want my only source of income to require me not to be able to sleep at night. Now today it is expected for a black man to do time. It is expected for our people to be considered last.
I am a Black Man, a Republican because I do feel it is important to promote small business and to teach others how to control their own destinies. But I do not agree with how the Republican Party illegally gives breaks to big business. I am also a Liberal with left wing ideas about the human condition. I feel it is the responsibility of the country to be sure that not only are its citizens well educated regardless of class but that they can get proper health care and that every child is given an opportunity to grow and contribute. Unless the parent of that child is not emotionally, financially, or spiritually ready for a child. I am a Christian that does not believe in the bible because man wrote it and today 2006 the government in power is going into the national archives and reclassifying what they feel the public has a right to know.
I understand that the History of a nation is decided by those who are in power and the most powerful book of all time may have fallen victim to those who felt the message will be better served if it said this or that. I believe in the sprit of freedom but I know it is not freedom when we force it down the throat of others. I decided after seeing that baby cry that I should cry also, because I am not comfortable and you are a fool if you aint crying with me.

©2006 YoungBreezy.com