For my mom...I love your mean ass

Sunday, I talked to my mother; we speak from time to time but Sunday it really felt like we talked to each other. Growing up my mother and I had a very strained relationship. I am sure it was because of the relationship she had with my father. They met at my father’s night club one night after a funeral. But before we start there we need to start at the beginning. My mom was born in a small town and she fell in the middle of 12 children. She was not the oldest and not the youngest just somewhere in the middle. My grandfather had only a third grade education, not sure how far my grandmother went in school. Because of this education was a priority it was not the main one. You see my mom not only fell in the middle, she was very much the ordinary one. She was not the super pretty one or the super smart one just the one who cleaned up behind everybody and did the cooking and made my grandfather coffee. My grandfather (R.I.P.) drank a lot of coffee, and she also made it for everyone who came to visit my grandfather because of this my mother hates coffee, I don’t think I have ever seen her take a drink.

When my mother was 16 she dropped out of high school because she became pregnant. I am writing that like she became ill or something I guess it’s better to say that she got pregnant. It’s funny because even today if you ask my mom how old she is she says 16. I think she does that because that is the age that she lost her childhood and the optimism that being a child gives you. She eventually went back to get her GED, but I am sad that she never got a chance to go to college. I don’t really think a person comes into their own until they are totally separated from all those who control their life and start making decisions for them selves. My mom is a hard woman but I have seen her deep in thought and I know she wonders what if more than anything else.

It appears from the beginning that my mother and I have the relationship that Eminem and his mother share. Although we seldom see things eye to eye, I respect and love my mother very much. She was married shortly after she became pregnant with my brother Nathan. One year later she had another son, Chris. I am not sure how long she was married to their father but I do know that my mother was beaten often. Her husband (RIP) had somewhat of a drinking problem and he would come home and take the days frustrations out on my mom. I think this is why my mother told me that if I ever put my hands on a woman and that woman is not trying end my life, she will shoot me herself where ever she finds me. She felt that no man has any business beating a woman especially one that they are married too. She understood that there are women that want or ask for that type of treatment because they feel that deserve punishment. A woman that works for a pimp got what ever that life brings. But if a man marries a woman, he makes a promise to God to protect them and never raise his hands to them. I have had my issues, and I have inflicted mental abuse on women. The only time I really hit a woman happened after she hit me in the head with a phone so….. c'est la vie. One night her husband came home and slapped my mother across the bed. She told me that she almost put her eye out on a high heel that was next to where she fell. She picked up that heel and took out all her aggression on her soon to be ex husbands head. I think she said that was the last night they stayed together.

Again I don’t know how long that marriage lasted but one night when she was 25 she met a man who owned a local nightclub. And they ended up making yours truly. I never thought about it but I guess that is where I get the love of Juke Joints. I love the people that are there, the atmosphere. I love the strong drinks and the chicken boxes getting made in the back. I also love that sound when the Dee Jay talks over a record and it completely mutes the entire song. Not like today where the music and the man are mixed together. It takes a real old school cat to know the right time to interrupt a song and not loose the vibe of the night. Anyway, to sum things up I am the product of a country girl with emotional scars and a slick ass yellow bastard that owned a night club.

My father’s family was pretty well off; his mother was a very, very light skinned woman that was very beautiful, and not dumb at all. My father went to Catholic school. He left high school early and joined the Air Force where he served 20 years. It’s funny as a child I remember that was the one piece of information that I always held on too, you know where is your daddy “he is in the air force” but by then he had been retired I guess it sounded better than “I don’t know” I tried that one for father and son’s day it wasn’t cool at all. My father would come around every couple of years. I remember I was in like third grade and I pulled out my manhood on the back of the bus on a dare. The bus driver called my mom and she called my old man. He came over yelling and shit but I know he wasn’t going to do anything. I knew then he didn’t care even at that age. I think he ended up spending the night. I remember walking out of my bedroom really late, I saw him in the bed with my mom they were naked. I remember seeing it and not caring. I walked to the bathroom and when I walked out the door was closed. I also knew that he wasn’t going to be there when I woke up the next morning. I guess I had an understanding that my mother never had……he didn’t want us and he didn’t want to be there. Another memory springs to mind as I read this when I was in the ninth grade my mother was not working and she was going to try to get child support from my dad. That was something that she never did before. He started telling people around town that I wasn’t his child. I think that is the only time I’ll talk about him hurting my feelings.

I taught myself to ride a bike and how to shoot a basketball. I learned how to throw a football by watching some other father on TV teach his kid. I learned how to fight by being beat up until I knew what I was doing. My boy Rob taught me how to drive a stick shift by letting me destroy the clutch in his explorer. TonyJ taught me how to cook using hamburger helper and really just building from there. LA taught me how to pick a suit knowing the difference between jacket sleeves being fused and stitched into position. I learned how to be a man by just being what I wanted my old man to be. I don’t hold a grudge against him but I think I would have avoided a lot of road blocks in life if he would have spent some time with me. But then again I am glad that I may look like him I have none of his characteristics.

I guess I always liked to write, I would write little poems for my mom when she returned home from what ever sorry little job she had. All I remember that she was so tired her hands always looked like they had done too much work. I would write about how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. She worked at several plants and at a few fast food places. Sometimes you can look and see when someone has given up, you can see it in their eyes as they ask themselves is this all there is going to be to my life. When she had the money she paid her bills on-time. When she hit a lick and like tax refund check she always made it a point to get little stuff for me. I didn’t rock Nikes until I was old enough to pay for them on my own. But I don’t want you to think I had this horrible ass child hood I really had a fantastic one. My grandfather was a very hard working man and he provided for his family. My Uncles Ricky, David, Thomas even LJ and Sonny who lived in Chicago are all very cool and they were much better fathers than most people had. Rickey had me rolling joints as far back as I could remember. He told me that I could not smoke em but I needed to know how to do that. He said every man has a duty to know each side of life. He meant the straight and narrow and the crooked, because if you wanted to succeed in life you have to be able to navigate both. He also taught me one phrase that has carried me through life “no matter how hard life gets nephew always keep the faith” His way of explaining the good and the bad. He use to say the things you cry about somebody is praying for. My childhood was amazing it really was, everyone in my home town new me then and they know me now. I was one of those kids that could eat in any area of town hustlers, dope boys, and because of my mom getting more involved in politics elected officials knew Stella’s boy.

All things considered I guess I was somewhat of a nerd. I watched a lot of cartoons and I liked to read. I would really dig the PBS channel (I guess not having cable as a child really does do something for you) I loved watching and learning about people that grew from humble beginnings, they would always inspire me. Think about the advantages that they didn’t have but still worked their way into forever. To be mentioned forever, that is amazing. I am sure that John F Kennedy was a great man but think if someone like Malcolm X would have been born with the same advantages. Both of them are great men that met the same fate. I wonder would Kennedy have reached the height that he reached if he would have had to endure what Malcolm did. Or would Malcolm have been as committed to his people if he didn’t face their struggles first hand. Is greatness something someone is born with or is it like most things taught to us as we grow?

A lot of personal family information I am leaving out. Family business should stay that way. There are issues that my family has that will hopefully be eradicated by the time my cousin Stephen is my age. But again Sunday my mother and I talked on the phone. We talked about Medicare Part D and its good and bad qualities. We discussed the fact that she is up for re-election for the county school board. She talked about the differences in local and state government. How it seems that after our community embraces a candidate and puts him in a position to make change how they all become nothing more than self serving leeches. She also talked about a cruise that she wanted to take in January. (Guess who has to kick in on that one so if you know any travel agents please tell them to email me so I can save some cheese) Im very proud of my mother she has worked very hard her entire life and never looked for any man to save her. She raised three sons, all three graduated high school and two of them graduated college. Two of her sons have children and they are very much a part of their lives. Yes your mom may be a dr or a lawyer or what ever the fuck, but could they do what my mom did by herself. My mother is a sorceress that has the ability to make something out of nothing, can your mother do that. My mother is a woman that taught me that some females are women and others are just hoes, treat them accordingly. I love you mamma from your best looking son.......Breezy
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